By Darrell Scott, Founder of Rachel's Challenge
There are no bullies - - - but there are many people who demonstrate
bullying behavior, and behavior can change. For deep behavioral change
with lasting results to take place concerning this issue, we must not
resort to pop culture “anti-bullying” techniques that, too often, only
increase the problem.
Our organization, Rachel’s Challenge, has reached more than
20 million people who have participated in live presentations and
trainings over the last 14 years. Most of these are students and
educators. We continually hear from parents, students and educators who
tell us they see major lasting changes in the lives of both those who
have bullied and those who have been bullied, after a Rachel’s Challenge program. And yet, we hardly mention the word “bullying” in our presentations and trainings at all.
Take for example this email from a 17 year old girl with the initials, K.C. “When
you came to my school I was a mean person, always bullying others, but I
was very sad inside. I was going to kill myself - - but Rachel’s story
opened my eyes to new things. I am committed now to helping others.”
Too often the approach to bullying is an “anti” mentality.
The approach at Rachel’s Challenge is a “pro” mentality. We are not
“anti-bullying,” we are “for kindness.” Focusing on solutions leads to
change. Focusing on the problem only empowers the causes of the
problem. There are two basic approaches to any challenge in life. One
is to be a “darkness fighter” and the other is to be a “candle
lighter.” If we simply light a candle, or flip on a light switch, the
darkness evaporates! Cursing the darkness, bad mouthing it, being angry
with it doesn’t eliminate it. We have seen dramatic behavior change
when the following steps are implemented.
The first step in changing bullying behavior is to recognize the difference between the person who is bullying and his or her behavior.
The second step begins with an
unconditional acceptance of that person who demonstrates bullying
behavior. Their behavior may be unacceptable, but you must separate
that from who they are. Acceptance cannot be faked, so you must make a
conscious choice to genuinely accept and care about the person whose
behavior you want to see changed or change will not occur. They will
feel your “vibes” and know if you are being disingenuous.
The third step is to recognize that which
we ignore or resist, we strengthen. Most approaches to remedying
bullying are to either ignore or resist the person doing the bullying.
Focusing on something good in the person doing the bullying as a
reference point gives you the power to eliminate the bullying behavior. Don’t fight the darkness, turn on the light.
The fourth step is to reach the heart of
the person with bullying behavior and create the “want to.” This is the
most crucial step in seeing change occur. The person with the bullying
behavior must want to let go of it, or change will not occur. Too often
anti-bullying programs approach the subject with a lot of “how to” but
little ability to provide the “want to.”
There must be a willingness to encourage and uplift the person, while
addressing the behavior of bullying. It is crucially important to
fully grasp the opening statement of this article: “There are no bullies
- - but there are people who demonstrate bullying behavior”. The
minute we label a person as a bully, we have put them into a prison cell
of wrong belief. They will believe that they are a bully and will act
accordingly.
“Charles, I really admire you as a person, but the way I saw you
treating Jim is not who you really are.” That is an example of
separating the person from the behavior. This approach is seldom used
by people around the “so-called” bully.
Rachel’s Challenge is a program that shares my daughter’s
story in a live, one hour presentation. Rachel was the first student
killed in the horrific Columbine shootings of 1999. Her stories of
kindness and compassion reach the hearts of the listeners and create a
deep desire to become a better person. The “want to” awakens within
them. Then we follow that up with training and the “how to.” You may
not be able to share Rachel’s story with everyone who demonstrates
bullying behavior, but you can find ways to touch their hearts through
encouragement, praise for right behavior, and stories. Sometimes
sharing with them the story of the person that they have bullied will
change their behavior.
The fifth step is to encourage the
slightest behavior you see that is positive. Getting rid of bullying
behavior is not the goal. Replacing it with kind and compassionate
behavior is.
The sixth step is to model the behavior that you want to see them copy. We all are models of behavior to others. We cannot, not model.
The seventh step is to diminish the
differences between the person bullying and the person being bullied by
helping them see their similarities. Most bullying occurs because of
“differences.” Racial, sexual orientation, economic, social, and ethnic
differences are often the basis of bullying. “They” are not like “us”
and so we are going to put “them” down! When we can help people
appreciate the similarities instead of the differences, we can find a
place of relatedness that leads to harmony.
A poem I wrote called, We Are Them, illustrates this principle.
Emerging from our common source
We started down this human course
Until illusion blocked our way
And ego taught us what to say
With words like “you” and “them” and “me”
We lost our true identity
And blinded by our selfish pride
We choked the peace we had inside
So separated from our source
We lived by cunning, wit, and force
Until we came to realize
The emptiness of our disguise
But through humility and grace
We traveled to that quiet place
Of peace, and love, and harmony
For all of us - - are one, you see
We ceased from treating others wrong
Our “uni – verse” became “one – song”
No longer seeing “her” or “him”
‘Cause “they” are “us” disguised as “them!”
Learn to be a peacemaker. Our country desperately needs them.
