Positive Bullying Solutions

By Darrell Scott, Founder of Rachel's Challenge

There are no bullies - - - but there are many people who demonstrate bullying behavior, and behavior can change.  For deep behavioral change with lasting results to take place concerning this issue, we must not resort to pop culture “anti-bullying” techniques that, too often, only increase the problem.

Our organization, Rachel’s Challenge, has reached more than 20 million people who have participated in live presentations and trainings over the last 14 years.  Most of these are students and educators.  We continually hear from parents, students and educators who tell us they see major lasting changes in the lives of both those who have bullied and those who have been bullied, after a Rachel’s Challenge program. And yet, we hardly mention the word “bullying” in our presentations and trainings at all.

Take for example this email from a 17 year old girl with the initials, K.C.  “When you came to my school I was a mean person, always bullying others, but I was very sad inside.  I was going to kill myself - - but Rachel’s story opened my eyes to new things.  I am committed now to helping others.”

Too often the approach to bullying is an “anti” mentality.  The approach at Rachel’s Challenge is a “pro” mentality.  We are not “anti-bullying,” we are “for kindness.”  Focusing on solutions leads to change.  Focusing on the problem only empowers the causes of the problem.  There are two basic approaches to any challenge in life.  One is to be a “darkness fighter” and the other is to be a “candle lighter.”  If we simply light a candle, or flip on a light switch, the darkness evaporates!  Cursing the darkness, bad mouthing it, being angry with it doesn’t eliminate it. We have seen dramatic behavior change when the following steps are implemented.

The first step in changing bullying behavior is to recognize the difference between the person who is bullying and his or her behavior.

The second step begins with an unconditional acceptance of that person who demonstrates bullying behavior.  Their behavior may be unacceptable, but you must separate that from who they are.  Acceptance cannot be faked, so you must make a conscious choice to genuinely accept and care about the person whose behavior you want to see changed or change will not occur.  They will feel your “vibes” and know if you are being disingenuous.

The third step is to recognize that which we ignore or resist, we strengthen.  Most approaches to remedying bullying are to either ignore or resist the person doing the bullying. Focusing on something good in the person doing the bullying as a reference point gives you the power to eliminate the bullying behavior.  Don’t fight the darkness, turn on the light.

The fourth step is to reach the heart of the person with bullying behavior and create the “want to.”  This is the most crucial step in seeing change occur.  The person with the bullying behavior must want to let go of it, or change will not occur. Too often anti-bullying programs approach the subject with a lot of “how to” but little ability to provide the “want to.”

There must be a willingness to encourage and uplift the person, while addressing the behavior of bullying.  It is crucially important to fully grasp the opening statement of this article: “There are no bullies - - but there are people who demonstrate bullying behavior”.  The minute we label a person as a bully, we have put them into a prison cell of wrong belief.  They will believe that they are a bully and will act accordingly.

“Charles, I really admire you as a person, but the way I saw you treating Jim is not who you really are.”  That is an example of separating the person from the behavior.  This approach is seldom used by people around the “so-called” bully.

Rachel’s Challenge is a program that shares my daughter’s story in a live, one hour presentation.  Rachel was the first student killed in the horrific Columbine shootings of 1999.  Her stories of kindness and compassion reach the hearts of the listeners and create a deep desire to become a better person.  The “want to” awakens within them.  Then we follow that up with training and the “how to.” You may not be able to share Rachel’s story with everyone who demonstrates bullying behavior, but you can find ways to touch their hearts through encouragement, praise for right behavior, and stories.  Sometimes sharing with them the story of the person that they have bullied will change their behavior.

The fifth step is to encourage the slightest behavior you see that is positive.  Getting rid of bullying behavior is not the goal.  Replacing it with kind and compassionate behavior is. 

The sixth step is to model the behavior that you want to see them copy.   We all are models of behavior to others. We cannot, not model.

The seventh step is to diminish the differences between the person bullying and the person being bullied by helping them see their similarities.  Most bullying occurs because of “differences.”  Racial, sexual orientation, economic, social, and ethnic differences are often the basis of bullying.  “They” are not like “us” and so we are going to put “them” down!  When we can help people appreciate the similarities instead of the differences, we can find a place of relatedness that leads to harmony.

A poem I wrote called, We Are Them, illustrates this principle.

Emerging from our common source

We started down this human course

Until illusion blocked our way

And ego taught us what to say

With words like “you” and “them” and “me”

We lost our true identity

And blinded by our selfish pride

We choked the peace we had inside

So separated from our source

We lived by cunning, wit, and force

Until we came to realize

The emptiness of our disguise

But through humility and grace

We traveled to that quiet place

Of peace, and love, and harmony

For all of us - - are one, you see

We ceased from treating others wrong

Our “uni – verse” became “one – song”

No longer seeing “her” or “him”

‘Cause “they” are “us” disguised as “them!”

Learn to be a peacemaker.  Our country desperately needs them.

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